Being a mom is hard. My first son taught me that and my second son is continuing to teach me. This week has been particularly hard. I’ve been given the opportunity to be even more selfless then normal.
We moved into a new house last week. It’s a big beautiful house and I’m so happy and excited to live there. It was a stressful exhausting week though. On Sunday night I ate some left over soup that apparently wasn’t good. I was sick for the next 24 hours. I am so glad the rest of my family didn’t eat it. To make things worse, the last few weeks breastfeeding has become more and more painful. I didn’t think much of it, but it got so bad that last Sunday I told both my mom and Titus that I was ready to quit. I’m terribly cracked and sore on one side and I would hold Gideon crying on my lap trying to get enough gumption to latch him on. I would have to count to three and the yell while he nursed. I went to see a lactation consultant and she said she thinks I have Thrush. The thing I read the most about Thrush is how terribly hard it is to get rid of. lovely. I can’t think of a time in my life where I’ve been so selfless. I don’t want you to think I’m a saint, because I’m not. I dread feeding my son. I want to give up so much, but I can’t. I know that even though I’m in terrible pain it’s still the best thing for him. I’ve started some medicine and it seems to be helping a little bit. I’m in less pain, but still not comfortable. I also gave up dairy products two weeks ago in hopes that it will help my son not cry so much, poop more often, and have less gas. I was at a wedding today and couldn’t eat most of the stuff there. Then I came home and made my husband a pizza. sigh. I want a piece of pizza so bad. But so far the dairy-free diet hasn’t helped and I’m so discouraged. I’m wondering if I should give up wheat. And I’m so depressed about the thought. I really really really don’t want to do that. Not even for two weeks just to see if it helps. But the thought is still back in my head, probing, wondering, “what if it would help?” Is it worth it? So we have the painful nursing, we have the diet restrictions and to top it off, I am so behind on sleep. Gideon is going to bed so late. James woke up probably every hour last night. Titus doesn’t want him to sleep in our bed anymore so every time he cries I have to go to his room and put him back to sleep. I didn’t get to sleep in my own bed until 2:30 last night. I think I slept more in his bed then my own. Then Gideon decided to get up at 5:30 for the day. I sat up in bed and just cried. Sleep deprivation is so hard to deal with. It should be a torture tactic. The other day I had the great idea of taking a really fast shower after Gideon goes to bed. Sure it might be midnight or later, but at least I can be clean. Both times I’ve tried it James has woken up and needed me. I seriously can’t even take a shower. I didn’t mean to write such a ‘poor me’ blog tonight. I guess maybe I just needed to vent to myself. I don’t like to complain to Titus, he needs me to be strong. I don’t feel strong. And that’s why I tell myself that God’s mercies are new every morning. Call out to God and He will hear you. I don’t spend as much time in prayer as I should, and maybe that’s why I’ve been so down lately. More then anything I need God to be lifting me up, and helping me through my days. Only He is going to give me the selfless, happy attitude that I need in order to take the best care of my amazing boys, and wonderful husband. It is good for me to sing songs to my toddler that remind me of God’s goodness. We all need that reminder from time to time.